What’s the opposite of “going green”? I want to do that. I want to stuff polar bears into Hummers and leave the air conditioning on for them. And the radio. If I had a crop duster, I would sky-write this blog every day with the biggest words I knew. And I would sign each entry “Agamemnon Zithertopolis, Master of Pro-Antidisestablishmentarianism”. Then I would add, “A Go-Go.”
Alas, I’ve already lowered my carbon footprint by not mowing my lawn all summer. I did this not because of political conscience but because of broken tractor. To counterbalance this act of eco-friendly emission-elimination, I haven’t turned off a light since mid-July.
“But don’t you believe in climate change??”
Of course I do. I also understand how the Earth works. It’s been warming and cooling since, well, the dawn of atmosphere. I think it’s a little egotistical to think that we’ve had that much of an impact.
“But…but…we’re killing the Earth!”
No, actually, we’re not. We could create cities out of landfills but all we’ll be doing is ruining the Earth for us. The Earth will be fine. In fact, I’m starting to wonder if all this climate changing is the Earth’s equivalent of trying to rid a virus by inducing a fever, in other words: us. We’re the sickness and the Earth may be trying to sweat us out.
Don’t believe me? Haven’t seen WALL*E? Go visit a vacant lot. Now look down. See the cracks in the asphalt? What’s growing up through them?
Yep, the Earth is going to be fine.
Probably. Like all right-thinking people, being a cynic is a hobby of mine. Sometimes I’m cynical out of sheer frustration with the general population and sometimes I adopt this stance just to amuse myself.
I was at dinner once with some friends and a new acquaintance that insisted that she was a member of PETa, despite wearing leather. She also swore she was something called an “ova-vegetarian”. She liked a good egg every now and then. Whatever. All animals should be protected. I turned to a buddy and said, “You know what’s fun? Taking baby seals and banging them together like chalkboard erasers.”
She demanded that everyone at the table not smoke because this area was “officially” the non-smoking table. Even though we were in the smoking section of the bar (back when such sections existed). We all responded by lighting up. And only three of the dozen of us actually smoked.
Then she got her teeth into other topics. “There wouldn’t be as much violence in the world if we had stricter gun control! We’re such a violent society. Shooting each other, having abortions! Abortions! No one should be allowed to have an abortion. Or a gun!”
“I own a gun,” I said.
“What do you need a gun for?” she demanded.
I recommend that the hard-core cynical of you in desperate need of amusement try to work the above phrase into casual dinner conversation as often as possible. However, please be sure you know CPR.
“You’re going to Hell!”
Yes, but if climate change is indeed happening as drastically as they claim, Hell will probably be more than a few degrees cooler by the time I get there. Besides, I know for a fact that Satan thinks I’m amusing. Maybe he’ll cut me some slack.