Halloween Recommendations for the Last-Minute Procrastinators who will surely spend eternity in Hell for the idleness of their hands.

It’s Halloween! I have a few suggestions as to how you should spend it. Because, you know, without my keen insight and advice, how would you even have the motivation to get up in the morning?

For Pittsburghers, my I recommend that you visit some of the finest haunted attractions in the area, particularly:

The Hundred Acres Manor, in South Park, PA. As seen in Splatter Movie: The Director’s Cut (also perfect for the Halloween season!), the Hundred Acres Manor features a long, twisty-turny jaunt through your worst nightmares, including a pitch-black maze!

Or, if interactivity is more your style, take a trip to Castle Blood, where you become part of the spooky adventure!

But if you only have time for one attraction, because you’re obviously terrible at time-maintenance, by no means should you miss Scarehouse in Etna. Voted one of the “Scariest Haunted Houses in America” by Haunted Attractions Magazine (new issue on sale now, boasting a number of articles by yours truly), Scarehouse takes you from traditional scares (courtesy of Creepo the Clown), through the twisted mind of Delirium (in 3-D! Yes, I know it’s already… shut up and go, you’ll see!) 

and into the battleground of future past in Rampage! The lines can get very long, particularly around the holiday and since you were too lazy to go early, you should pre-order the R.I.P. tickets from the official site and skip to the front. Otherwise, you might be best-served to bring a book along for your wait (like Phobophobia, or the newly-released Suicide Machine—both of which are at least as riveting as the articles I wrote for Haunted Attraction).

If you’re one of those layabout types that likes the fright to come to you, switch over to Turner Classic Movies, hide the remote, use a shotgun to turn out all your lights, and settle down for a long marathon of Hammer and classic horror like Doctor X, The Vampire Bat and Isle of the Dead.

OR, even better, put on some new classics like the aforementioned Splatter Movie or The Resurrection Game (for the zombie fans) or A Feast of Flesh (for the lesbian vampire fans). Sure, you could pick up Bikini Bloodbath Carwash or Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (for the fans of bloodbaths in bikinis), in fact, it’s a fine idea! In fact, you should do that as well as order Happy Cloud Pictures loot. As a matter of fact, stock up on Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated, A Sea of Dust, Vindication, The Absence of Light, Deadwood Park, The Colour From the Dark, The Chainsaw Sally Show and The Blood Shed as well!

Because Halloween only comes once a year and that’s probably Obama’s fault too!