PHOBOPHOBIA / SUICIDE MACHINE Signing

The news that has all of Facebook atwitter (and all of Twitter afacebook) is that the world-famous Me will be signing at Eljay’s Books on Saturday, July 30 at Eljay’s Books in lovely and palatial Dormont. Based on past signings we’ve attended there (namely Tim Gross and the debut of his sixth book, “The Big-Ass Book of Gross Movie Reviews”), I’ll likely do a quick reading, answer questions, then sign until everyone is gone. It runs from 3pm to 6pm so if you attend, we can make that time both stretch and fly by!

So if you have been holding out for the best time to purchase my short fiction collection Phobophobia or the new novel Suicide Machine, tomorrow may well be the rainy day you’ve been yearning for (50% chance of showers, partly-cloudy in the morning). 

Halloween Recommendations for the Last-Minute Procrastinators who will surely spend eternity in Hell for the idleness of their hands.

It’s Halloween! I have a few suggestions as to how you should spend it. Because, you know, without my keen insight and advice, how would you even have the motivation to get up in the morning?

For Pittsburghers, my I recommend that you visit some of the finest haunted attractions in the area, particularly:

The Hundred Acres Manor, in South Park, PA. As seen in Splatter Movie: The Director’s Cut (also perfect for the Halloween season!), the Hundred Acres Manor features a long, twisty-turny jaunt through your worst nightmares, including a pitch-black maze!

Or, if interactivity is more your style, take a trip to Castle Blood, where you become part of the spooky adventure!

But if you only have time for one attraction, because you’re obviously terrible at time-maintenance, by no means should you miss Scarehouse in Etna. Voted one of the “Scariest Haunted Houses in America” by Haunted Attractions Magazine (new issue on sale now, boasting a number of articles by yours truly), Scarehouse takes you from traditional scares (courtesy of Creepo the Clown), through the twisted mind of Delirium (in 3-D! Yes, I know it’s already… shut up and go, you’ll see!) 

and into the battleground of future past in Rampage! The lines can get very long, particularly around the holiday and since you were too lazy to go early, you should pre-order the R.I.P. tickets from the official site and skip to the front. Otherwise, you might be best-served to bring a book along for your wait (like Phobophobia, or the newly-released Suicide Machine—both of which are at least as riveting as the articles I wrote for Haunted Attraction).

If you’re one of those layabout types that likes the fright to come to you, switch over to Turner Classic Movies, hide the remote, use a shotgun to turn out all your lights, and settle down for a long marathon of Hammer and classic horror like Doctor X, The Vampire Bat and Isle of the Dead.

OR, even better, put on some new classics like the aforementioned Splatter Movie or The Resurrection Game (for the zombie fans) or A Feast of Flesh (for the lesbian vampire fans). Sure, you could pick up Bikini Bloodbath Carwash or Bikini Bloodbath Christmas (for the fans of bloodbaths in bikinis), in fact, it’s a fine idea! In fact, you should do that as well as order Happy Cloud Pictures loot. As a matter of fact, stock up on Night of the Living Dead: Reanimated, A Sea of Dust, Vindication, The Absence of Light, Deadwood Park, The Colour From the Dark, The Chainsaw Sally Show and The Blood Shed as well!

Because Halloween only comes once a year and that’s probably Obama’s fault too!

A Happier Blog About Happier Days

Saturday, Amy, Tara and David Cooper and I made the trek out to The Oaks Theater to see a terrific double-bill: Texas Chain Saw Massacre II and Amityville II. This was the second of two double-bills set up courtesy of the great and powerful Art Ettinger, manager of the magazine that people actually read, Ultra-Violent. The premiere weekend consisted of Cannibals Holocaust and Ferrox, which I eschewed attending on the simple fact that Italians make crummy horror movies. And I didn’t enjoy seeing the turtle being murdered the first time around, so the prospect of that projected on a big screen more than made up my mind, despite my desire to support Art and UV. It also didn’t help that we had other plans that weekend…

Anyway, so off we four went tra-la-la to Oakmont. Amy and Tara got dolled up in wigs and glitter and bangles and all sorts of womanly accoutrement. David and I made sure we wore pants. Stopping off for numerous alcoholic beverages at a local imbibery, mere feet away from the theater, we were costumed and coiffed as we consumed and quaffed.

Then on to the shenanigans. We stormed into the theater and I plunked down money, demanding four tickets for The Duchess. Turned down flat, we opted instead for the movies we actually wanted to see. And see them we did.

I’d almost forgotten how much fun Texas 2 was, and how effective Tom Savini’s effects were, and just how loony Bills Moseley and Johnson were as Chop-Top and Leatherface. Jim Seidow is wonderfully over-the-top as The Cook as well. Ahhh. Having never seen this before on the big screen, it was like Christmas and National Blow Job Day all at once.

Then came Amityville 2, which Art introduced as “one of the sleaziest movies ever made”. And since both films had been prefaced by a quartet of ‘70s sleaze trailers from Art’s own collection, he was the inarguable authority. And boy-howdy does Amityville 2 live up to the sleaze. If you haven’t seen it, then you have prevented some part of your soul from dying. If you have seen it, you know the lunacy of which I speak. The child abuse, the incest, the murders, the interminable tacked-on Exorcist ending, the wonderful mustache-beard combo worn by the Defense Attorney, the look of despair on Brock Peters’ face in every scene he appears. Just heaven, I tells ya.

And through it all we hooted and guffawed and… okay, irritated the sour-looking blonde woman a few rows in front of us. Granted, we weren’t the only ones talking back at the screen and applauding and howling but, quite frankly, we were probably the loudest. Not the strangest, though. That honor goes to the young man who attempted to charm his way into Amy’s and Tara’s individual pants through the time-tested method of seduction via card tricks. Granted, he was a very good up-close magician. Also granted, he arrived and departed alone.

On the whole, I would give the entire evening an 11.5. If you weren’t in attendance, you can hang your head with shame. If you were there, I apologize for the numerous circumcision jokes.