Psychology of Democracy via the Box Office

Building on yesterday’s head-shaking grief at the pervading disgust of society…

From an observer’s standpoint, I can see where society wants to go. You don’t have to listen to pundits on either side and you don’t even have to talk to your neighbors. Take a look at the box office returns.

Entertainment has always reflected society. If you want to understand the over-all attitude of any given period, study the most popular entertainment.

We, as a nation, no longer believe that “one person” can do anything to change our situation. Which is why Salt failed to perform. And they don’t feel that one “normal” person can do much of anything, which may explain the underperformance of Knight and Day. There certainly isn’t much faith in the younger generations. We need past heroes to step forward and band together. Which may explain why people flocked to The Expendables and are currently flocking towards Red.

We want the comfort of the familiar, but don’t just regurgitate. We want Piranha 3D, not The A-Team.

For the younger generation, even romance is too tricky a minefield to navigate (sorry, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World), but hanging out with your friends and fucking around at least takes your mind off the problems of the world around you. And if you’re a member of the current crop of “lost generation” folks, those once referred to as “X”, you need idiotic diversion more than ever because the world today is way out of your control. (Jackass 3-D) There are few comfort zones left anyway. By the time we schlep home, all we can do is veg on the couch and see what old friends are up to. Therefore, The Social Network reinforces that we’re not wasting our time. And the younger folks even feel justified in the attention paid to Facebook.

We want to feel smart (Inception). We want to feel loved (Toy Story 3). Folks want to know that their pain and loneliness is recognized and understandable (Twilight: Eclipse).

Change by voting? Vote for who? The loudmouth on the right or the moron on the left? The guy who wants to spend and raise taxes, or the one that wants to send poor people to the salt mines of the rich? There’s no choice there! At least with American Idol or Dancing with the Stars, you get some feeling of your voice being heard. And if everyone in charge is either malevolent or incompetent, is it any wonder our entertainment super-villains are impotent too (Despicable Me, MegaMind)?

The unpredictable tastes of the audience has Hollywood, as usual, running around in tight little circles, unsure of what to do. Just like the governments state and local. But going to the movies—or not—is the only way we can exercise Democracy and actually see it matter.

List of Personal Essentials

Okay, while these might not all be "essentials" - in that you don't have to worry about going to your grave without having seen some of them - if you add these to my "Essentials" list, I think it's pretty well-rounded. Tastes will vary, of course.

This one is more liberal and includes many more indie and no-budget titles that I respect and have enjoyed very much.

This one adds up to 180 titles and they'd have to go with me to the desert island along with list #1. Consider this list "Extra Credit" for the serious film fanatic.

29th Street (1991)
52 Pick Up (1986)
Abyss, The
Accione Mutante
Addicted to Murder
After Hours (1985)
Alone in the Dark (1982)
American Nightmare
Armour of God, The
Army of Darkness, The
Atlantis: The Lost Empire (2001)
Back to the Future (1985)
Bandolero!
Beau Geste (1939)
Better Tomorrow II, A (1988) (Yinghung bunsik II)
Big Fish
Big Sleep, The (1946)
Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Bird with the Crystal Plumage (1970) (L'uccello Dalle Piume di Cristallo)
Blue Velvet (1986)
Blues Brothers, The (1980)
Borsalino (1970)
Boy Who Could Fly, The
Brain Donors (1992)
Braindead (1992) (aka Dead*Alive)
Bugsy Malone (1976)
Bus Stop (1956)
Bye Bye Birdie (1963)
Cabinet of Dr. Caligari, The (1919)
Cannibal! The Musical (1996)
Chainsaw Sally (2004)
Champion (2005)
Clockwork Orange, A
Closetland
Cook, the Thief, His Wife, Her Lover, The (1989)
Crazy Moon (1986)
Day at the Races, A (1937)
Dead Man (1995)
Deep Rising (1998)
Deliverance
Descent, The
Desperate Trail, The (1995)
Devil Rides Out, The (1968)
Devil's Backbone, The (2001) (El Espinazo del Diablo)
Devil's Rejects, The (2005)
Diva (1981)
Dividing Hour, The (1998)
Dogs Of War (1981)
Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog
Duel (1970)
Duel at Diablo
Dust Devil: The Final Cut (1992)
Eating Raoul
Emperor of the North
Emperor's New Groove, The (2000)
Eurotrip
Everything Moves Alone
Evil Dead, The (1982)
Fly, The (1986)
Frankenhooker (1990)
Friends of Eddie Coyle, The (1972)
From Russia With Love (1963)
Galaxy Quest (1999)
Glass Key, The (1942)
Gremlins 2: The New Batch (1990)
Grosse Point Blank
Hammett (1982)
Hard-Boiled (1992)
Harper (1966)
Head (1968)
Hellraiser
Help! (1965)
Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)
Heroic Trio, The (1992)
Hickey & Boggs (1972)
His Kind of Woman
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1987)
Howling, The
Impostors, The (1998)
Incubus, The
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (1989)
Insignificance (1985)
Into the Night (1985)
Iron Man
Kafka
Killer Elite, The (1975)
King of Comedy, The (1983)
King of Hearts (1967) (Le Roi de coeur)
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang (2005)
Knightriders (1981)
La Femme Nikita
Lady from Shanghai, The (1948)
Land of College Prophets, The
Last House on Left, The (1972)
Last Seduction, The (1994)
Lethal Force (2001)
Little Shop of Horrors (1986)
Living in Oblivion (1995)
London Voodoo (2004)
Long Riders, The (1980)
Magic Christian, The (1969)
Man in the Iron Mask, The (1998)
Man of La Mancha, The (1972)
Marat / Sade (1967)
Marathon Man (1976)
Mark of Zorro (1940)
Martyrs (2008)
Max Headroom: 20 Minutes into the Future (1986)
Mighty, The (1998)
Mr. Mike's Mondo Video
Muppets Celebrate Jim Henson
Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (1996)
Night of the Demons (1987)
Nightbreed (1990)
Ninth Configuration, The (1980)
O.C. and Stiggs (1985)
Oblivion
Once Upon a Time in Mexico (2003)
Paradise Lost 2: Revelations (1999)
Phantasm (1979)
Phantasm II
Pinata: Survival Island (2002)
Pit and the Pendulum, The (1991)
Pom Pom & Hot Hot (1992) (Shen Qiang Shou yu Ga Li Ji)
Project: Valkyrie (2002)
Prophecy, The
Psychos in Love
Pumpkinhead
Quadrophenia
Real Men (1987)
Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)
Return of the Living Dead 3
Rosemary's Baby
Rounders, The (1965)
Rumble in the Bronx
Schindler's List (1993)
Schizopolis (1996)
Sender, The
Serenity (2005)
Shadow of the Vampire
Shaft (1971)
Shatter Dead (1994)
Shockheaded (2002)
Silence of Lambs (1991)
Silverado (1985)
Six-String Samurai (1998)
Sixth Sense, The (1999)
Skin Crawl (2007)
Sleuth (1972)
Snatch (2000)
Sonny Boy
Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama
Spider-Man 2
Star Knight (1992)
Star Wars
Tenebrae
Terminator, The (1984)
Terror Firmer
Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, The (1983)
The Toxic Avenger
The Tune
Thunder Road (1958)
Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!
Tiger on Beat (1988)
Time Bandits (1981)
Time Machine, The (1960)
To Live and Die in L.A.
Tremors
Tromeo and Juliet
Twin Dragons
V for Vendetta (2005)
Vicious Sweet, The
WALL*E (2008)
Watchmen
We're No Angels (1955)
Westworld
Wings of Desire (1987)
Witchouse 3: Demon Fire (2001)
X2: X-Men United (2003)
Yakuza, The (1975)

My List of Essential Film Watching

A few months ago, at the nadir of anything practical to do at the old office, I started an Excel spreadsheet of movies I've seen in my lifetime. It was more a memory exercise than anything else, but it soon developed into a cataloging obsession. After a while, it wasn't enough to just list features, but also memorable shorts as well. Of course, I had to include the endless amount of indie films I've seen (that I could remember), bootlegs, unreleased treasures, etc. Obviously, there was very, very little work to be done at the office - is it any wonder they went under?

To further my insanity, I started reviewing more recently-seen films and incorporating reviews I'd written for Film Threat, Sirens, Films in Review, CFQ, etc. Every day, I'd think of at least three or four more titles to add. Then I started reading other peoples' lists, etc. What can I say? At least I wasn't stalking starlets or rooting through my neighbors' garbage.

The thought popped into my head to start listing my own "essentials". Every critic-cum-film-fan has one. So in my tiny bit of spare time, I started highlighting titles that I either believe every person who calls himself a film buff should see as well as personal favorites that I recommend, though not necessarily for everyone.

I write this not as an announcement, but a warning. As of this morning, I have 6,170 titles on this list, total, and well over 600 recommendations, some reviewed and justified, some not. Fruitless exercise? Probably. But, again, keeps me from roaming the streets in a drunken, armed rage.

Now...

This is not meant to be a fight-starter. This is not up for debate or fuss or outrage. This is just a list I made of my personal picks for essential viewing for anyone who wants to begin a lifetime of movie-loving. There are 250 titles on this list. It's in alphabetical order, not order of importance.

There will be a second list of personal favorites, not necessarily essential, but important to me.

If you have a question why a certain title is on this list, what makes it "essential", ask and I'll show my work. If you disagree with anything on this list, make your own.


36 Hours (1965)
Abbott & Costello Meet Frankenstein (1948)
Adventures of Robin Hood, The (1938)
Aguirre, The Wrath of God
Alien
Aliens
All Through the Night
American Beauty
American Werewolf in London, An
Anatomy of a Murder (1959)
Anguish
Animal Crackers
Annie Hall (1977)
Apartment, The (1960)
Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
August Underground
Bad Day at Black Rock (1954)
Ballad of Cable Hogue, The (1970)
Beauty and the Beast
Better Tomorrow, A (1986) (Ying huang boon sik)
Big Lebowski, The (1998)
Blade Runner: The Final Cut
Blood on the Moon
Blood Simple (1984)
Brazil (1985)
Brick (2005)
Bride of Frankenstein (1931)
Bride Wore Black, The
Bridge on the River Kwai, The (1957)
Bringing Up Baby (1938)
Brother From Another Planet, The (1984)
Bubba Ho-Tep (2003)
Bullet in the Head (1990) (Die xue jie tou)
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid (1969)
Café Flesh
Cape Fear (1962)
Casablanca (1942)
Cast a Deadly Spell
Changeling, The (1980)
Charade (1963)
Chinatown (1974)
Chinese Ghost Story, A (1987) (Sinnui yauman)
Citizen Kane (1941)
City of Lost Children (1995) (La cité des enfants perdus)
Compulsion (1959)
Curse of the Demon (1957)
D.O.A. (1950)
Dark Crystal, The (1982)
Dark Knight, The (2008)
Dawn of the Dead - 1979 Director's Cut
Day the Earth Stood Still, The (1951)
Death Race 2000 (1975)
Deep Red (1975) (Profondo Rosso / The Hatchet Murders)
Dog Day Afternoon (1975)
Double Indemnity (1944)
Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb
Dragons Forever
Drunken Master II (Jui Kuen II)
Duck Soup (1933)
Ed Wood (1994)
Eight Men Out (1988)
Enter the Dragon (1973)
Evil Dead 2: Dead by Dawn (1987)
Excalibur (1981)
Exorcist, The (1973)
Face in the Crowd, A (1957)
Fight Club (1999)
Forbidden Planet (1956)
Freaks (1932)
Fright Night (1985)
Frisco Kid, The (1979)
From Here to Eternity (1953)
Front Page, The (1974)
Front, The (1976)
Ghostbusters (1984)
Ginger Snaps (2000)
Glengarry Glen Ross (1992)
Godfather, The (1972)
Goldfinger (1964)
Grand Hotel (1932)
Great Escape, The (1963)
Great Race, The (1965)
Gunga Din (1939)
Hard Day's Night (1964)
Harold and Maude (1971)
Harvey (1950)
Haunting, The (1963)
Hearts of Darkness: A Filmmaker's Apocalypse (1991)
Heathers (1989)
Heavenly Creatures (1994)
Hell is for Heroes
Hellboy (2004)
Henry V (1989)
Hey, Stop Stabbing Me!
His Girl Friday (1940)
Holiday Affair
Horror of Dracula (1958)
Hot Rock, The (1972)
House on Haunted Hill (1958)
I'll Bury You Tomorrow (2002)
In Cold Blood (1967)
Inherit the Wind (1960)
In-Laws, The (1979)
Invasion! (1999)
Invisible Man, The (1933)
Iron Giant, The (1999)
It's a Wonderful Life (1946)
Jason and the Argonauts (1963)
Jaws (1975)
Jesus of Montreal
Joshua: Then and Now
Killer, The (1989)
Killers, The (1946)
King of the Hill (1993)
L.A. Confidential (1997)
L.A. Story (1991)
Last of Mohicans, The (1992)
Last of Sheila, The (1973)
Last Temptation of Christ, The (1988)
Leon: The Professional
Let the Right One In
Life and Times of Judge Roy Bean, The (1972)
Lilo and Stitch (2002)
List of Adrian Messenger, The
Lone Wolf and Cub: Sword of Vengeance (1972)
Lonesome Dove (1989)
Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
Lost in La Mancha (2002)
M (1931)
Magnificent Seven, The (1960)
Maltese Falcon, The (1941)
Man Bites Dog (1992) (C'est arrivé près de chez vous)
Man Who Knew Too Much, The (1956)
Man Who Would Be King, The (1975)
Man with Two Brains, The (1983)
Martin (1977)
Masters of Horror: Takashi Miike: Imprint (2005)
May (2003)
Meet the Feebles (1989)
Memento (2000)
Meshes of the Afternoon (1943)
Metropolis (1927)
Miller's Crossing (1990)
Monsters, Inc. (2001)
Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975)
Monty Python's Life of Brian (1979)
Muppet Movie, The (1979)
Murder by Decree (1979)
My Favorite Year (1982)
Near Dark (1987)
Night of the Hunter (1955)
Nightmare Before Christmas, A (1993)
Noises Off! (1992)
North by Northwest (1959)
Nosferatu (1929)
Only Angels Have Wings (1939)
Out of the Past (1947)
Painted Faces
Pan's Labyrinth (2006)
Paradise Lost: Child Murders at Robin Hood (1996)
Phantom of the Paradise, The (1974)
Pickup on South Street (1953)
Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl
Player, The (1992)
Police Story (1985)
Poltergeist (1982)
Princess Bride, The (1987)
Prodigy, The (2005)
Producers, The (1968)
Project A
Psycho (1960)
Pulp Fiction (1994)
Purple Rose of Cairo, The (1985)
Quiet Man, The (1952)
Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981)
Ran (1985)
Raven, The (1963)
Re-Animator (1985)
Rear Window (1954)
Reivers, The (1969)
Return of Living Dead (1985)
Rio Bravo (1959)
Road Warrior, The (1981)
RoboCop (1987)
Rocky Horror Picture Show, The (1975)
Rosencranz and Guildenstern Are Dead (1990)
Ruling Class, The (1972)
Schlock: Secret History of American Movies (2003)
Scrapbook (1999)
Sea Hawk, The (1940)
Searchers, The (1956)
Secret Life of Walter Mitty, The
Seven Samurai (1954)
Seven Year Itch, The (1955)
Seventh Victim, The (1943)
Shakespeare in Love (1998)
Shallow Grave (1994)
Shaun of the Dead (2004)
Singin' in the Rain (1952)
Sixteen Tongues (1999)
Sleeper (1973)
Sleeping Beauty (1959)
Some Like It Hot (1959)
Sorcerer (1977)
Stalag 17 (1953)
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982)
Star Wars: Episode V: Empire Strikes Back (1980)
State and Main (2000)
Strange Things Happen at Sundown (2003)
Strangers on a Train (1951)
Straw Dogs (1971)
Sunset Boulevard (1950)
Support Your Local Sheriff (1968)
Sweet Smell of Success (1957)
Taking of Pelham One Two Three (1974)
Taxi Driver (1976)
Ten From Your Show of Shows
Texas Chainsaw Massacre, The (1974)
Theatre of Blood (1973)
There's Nothing Out There (1991)
Thin Man, The (1934)
Thing, The (1982)
Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead (1995)
Third Man, The (1949)
Throne of Blood (1957)
Time After Time (1979)
To Be or Not To Be (1942)
To Have and Have Not (1944)
To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)
Tombstone (1993)
Touch of Evil (1958)
Toy Story 2 (1999)
Treasure Island (1950)
Treasure of the Sierra Madre, The (1948)
True Grit (1969)
Twentieth Century (1934)
Uninvited, The (1944)
Up (2009)
Usual Suspects, The (1995)
Valdez Is Coming (1970)
Videodrome (1983)
Visions of Light: The Art of Cinematography (1993)
Way of the Gun, The (2000)
West Side Story (1961)
What's Up, Doc? (1972)
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
Wild Bunch, The (1969)
Wind and the Lion, The (1975)
Yojimbo (1961)
Young Frankenstein (1974)

My Not-So-Secret Shame

This will probably come as no great shock, but like all the best people in the world, when I was in college, I supplemented my two-job income by bootlegging movies. I specialized in foreign and out-of-print cult films, primarily Hong Kong movies. I traded with other bootleggers all over the country, finding them through "USENET" groups and rudimentary websites. While I avoided anything commercially available in the U.S., I did make an exception by selling and trading letterboxed movies duped from Laserdisc.

Some of these terms may be foreign to you, and I understand. This was in the great, prehistoric VHS era, and I had two VCRs going non-stop for nearly seven years. The collection grew to ridiculous proportions until I had topped a thousand tapes, most of them single-titles recorded in SP mode. (Some of you out there are scoffing, but to me, this was a sizable amount of inventory.)

After I graduated, I returned to trading only. I didn't really have a lot of choice, though, as DVDs put VHS into the archives and landfills. Since the DVD revolution, I've been working to replace a lot of these titles and clear out space in the house. I've moved three times since starting this little obsession. For the last three or four years, I've tried to be diligent about weeding out the collection, particularly since I hadn't watched a VHS tape in that entire span of time. Problem is, even after weeding out, I was still the proud owner of at least 300 tapes I'd never watched and/or hadn't been able to replace.

In July, Amy "retired" from Verizon and has been on a remodeling and cleaning spree. Our left-hand closet in the living room was filled to the brim with tapes and, really, it was time to get rid of them. Except that I couldn't bring myself to just pitch them. I had an old stand-alone DVD recorder, but it's been getting more and more finicky over the years, to the point where it would only record on DVD+RWs and wouldn't finalize them to enable playing on any other machine.

Biting the bullet, we broke down and bought a VHS - DVDR combo and have spent the last week transferring, finalizing and discarding. We've only gone through about 25 so far, but it's a start. I'd forgotten some of the riches I'd had. Old fan-dubs of Jet Li's The Master and The Legend of Fong Sai Yuk; a version of The Satanic Rites of Dracula that had only been released in the U.K.; Jackie Chan's cut of The Protector (as opposed to James Glickenhaus' sub-standard cut); most of John Woo's pre-The Killer titles--it's been wonderful going through them.

It'll take a couple of months, honestly, but soon we'll have all those outdated bricks pitched and replaced with super-slim discs of love and joy.

And then I'll have to take a leave of absence from work to watch all the damned things!

A Happier Blog About Happier Days

Saturday, Amy, Tara and David Cooper and I made the trek out to The Oaks Theater to see a terrific double-bill: Texas Chain Saw Massacre II and Amityville II. This was the second of two double-bills set up courtesy of the great and powerful Art Ettinger, manager of the magazine that people actually read, Ultra-Violent. The premiere weekend consisted of Cannibals Holocaust and Ferrox, which I eschewed attending on the simple fact that Italians make crummy horror movies. And I didn’t enjoy seeing the turtle being murdered the first time around, so the prospect of that projected on a big screen more than made up my mind, despite my desire to support Art and UV. It also didn’t help that we had other plans that weekend…

Anyway, so off we four went tra-la-la to Oakmont. Amy and Tara got dolled up in wigs and glitter and bangles and all sorts of womanly accoutrement. David and I made sure we wore pants. Stopping off for numerous alcoholic beverages at a local imbibery, mere feet away from the theater, we were costumed and coiffed as we consumed and quaffed.

Then on to the shenanigans. We stormed into the theater and I plunked down money, demanding four tickets for The Duchess. Turned down flat, we opted instead for the movies we actually wanted to see. And see them we did.

I’d almost forgotten how much fun Texas 2 was, and how effective Tom Savini’s effects were, and just how loony Bills Moseley and Johnson were as Chop-Top and Leatherface. Jim Seidow is wonderfully over-the-top as The Cook as well. Ahhh. Having never seen this before on the big screen, it was like Christmas and National Blow Job Day all at once.

Then came Amityville 2, which Art introduced as “one of the sleaziest movies ever made”. And since both films had been prefaced by a quartet of ‘70s sleaze trailers from Art’s own collection, he was the inarguable authority. And boy-howdy does Amityville 2 live up to the sleaze. If you haven’t seen it, then you have prevented some part of your soul from dying. If you have seen it, you know the lunacy of which I speak. The child abuse, the incest, the murders, the interminable tacked-on Exorcist ending, the wonderful mustache-beard combo worn by the Defense Attorney, the look of despair on Brock Peters’ face in every scene he appears. Just heaven, I tells ya.

And through it all we hooted and guffawed and… okay, irritated the sour-looking blonde woman a few rows in front of us. Granted, we weren’t the only ones talking back at the screen and applauding and howling but, quite frankly, we were probably the loudest. Not the strangest, though. That honor goes to the young man who attempted to charm his way into Amy’s and Tara’s individual pants through the time-tested method of seduction via card tricks. Granted, he was a very good up-close magician. Also granted, he arrived and departed alone.

On the whole, I would give the entire evening an 11.5. If you weren’t in attendance, you can hang your head with shame. If you were there, I apologize for the numerous circumcision jokes.

New Shoot part 1

Sunday night, shooting wrapped on Coventry Lanes. In an epic shoot, beating our own personal records by completing principal photography in just seven days—which included breaking another record by extending one shoot past twelve hours to a whopping seventeen, leaving most of us exhausted and hysterical—we emerged scathed and scarred, perhaps wiser, but likely not.

As most of you have already doped out, Coventry Lanes is a bowling movie. It takes place in the beautiful King Lanes in Kittanning, owned by the beyond-generous and patient Bob and Sandy Hall. Bob and Sandy also went above and beyond to feed and house the majority of our 30+ cast and crew for the bulk of the seven days. Which is actually karma, in a lot of ways, because truth be told, the entire impetus of the movie was Sandy’s fault.

A few months ago, Amy and I attended a one-day comic book convention in Ohio, in the very hotel Robyn Griggs hosted her Twisted Nightmare Weekend show for two years. Robyn was also a guest at this show and, as they’re want to do, she and Amy wound up in the bar for a good portion of the day. As Robyn is a veteran of soap operas—Another World, primarily—she and Amy have often tooled around with doing a web-based soap spoof and they returned to this topic again, amidst many lemon drops. As we left, Amy and I continued to outline the plot of this silly thing when we got a call from Tara Cooper, make-up artist and costumer extraordinaire. She was at her mother’s place. Her mother, Sandy, was the co-owner of the aforementioned Kittanning Bowling Alley with her husband, Bob. Ever since Mothman Prophecies had been shot in Kittanning, it’d been Sandy’s dream that a movie would be filmed in her alley. And this dream was expressed to us over the phone. Or, rather, over Tara’s shoulder and over the phone.

“Tell them they have to shoot in my bowling alley!” we heard.

Now, for the last two years, Happy Cloud Pictures has been trying and failing to raise funds necessary for a larger-budgeted straight horror movie called Painmaker. It’s at the top of our dream projects. It has a big concept, will require a huge effects budget and will likely involve multiple SAG actors. It’s not something we can toss off in our back yard. But we like to shoot something every year. Blame our work ethic or our sense of masochism, but we like to stay busy. And since Splatter Movie continues to this moment to be requested and rejected by major distributors, we didn’t have anything currently on our plate for the Summer. So by the time we got home, we had a brief outline for a fun, goofy horror comedy similar to but very different from our first DV movie, Severe Injuries.

As children of the ‘80s, we’re all at HCP fans of the straight-to-video horror movie. Among my personal favorites are Sorority Babes in the Slimeball Bowl-o-Rama and Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, both starring the wonderful Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer. Right before Hookers came Nightmare Sisters, which was the first time these two starred with the just as wonderful if not wonderfuler Brinke Stevens. Now: bowling alley, horror comedy—our first idea was to do either an indirect sequel or, possibly, a remake of Sorority Babes. We entertained this idea for all of four seconds until we realized we’d have to hunt down the rights, either through director Dave DeCoteau or Fred Olen Ray, whose Retromedia label was the current distributor. Add to that the fact that I’m not a fan of remakes and consider myself an intensely original individual, a rip-off—uh, I mean, homage was more keeping with my sensibilities.

I knew what elements I wanted to include: the evil preppy girls, the outsiders, the hunks, the misunderstood hunk, and the female villains that would set all the gore and nastiness in motion. The original concept was to include the three genuine scream queens: Brinke, Michelle and Linnea, and add to them Amy and Debbie Rochon, who are often pegged as scream queens anyway, regardless of the fact that they very rarely scream in their movies. Then mix in our normal cast of zanies, perhaps bring in a number of out-of-town friends to round out the parts.

By the end of the week, I’d banged out a first draft that contained no less than fifteen main characters, including one that would be perfect for one of the A-list horror con regulars like Michael Berryman or Kane Hodder. We sent the script around to everyone we wanted involved and… immediately, things started to collapse.

First: our meeting with Sandy and Bob went swimmingly. They were excited. The alley was fantastic. We couldn’t wait. Except for the fact that I’d inadvertently written in scenes involving a pool table and a gymnasium (hey, the bowling alley in my old neighborhood had these things and an upstairs video arcade; my assumption that all alleys had these things were valid based on the information I had at the time!), it was a perfect location. We signed the location agreement and went along our way. Completely misunderstanding one vital piece of information involving the alley’s need for readiness before league play started in September. More on that in a minute.

The script was sent out to our “scream queens” and Brinke was the first to sign on. Debbie was second. Michelle had to be tracked down. Linnea had a new management team we needed to deal with. All fine. We had two investors come through almost immediately and Amy received a decent severance package from her job of ten years following a layoff; for once we had money to play with.

Then we contacted our SAG actor. He was on board. So we contacted SAG.

Then one of our investors started to get itchy to get everyone signed, which meant putting pressure on the rest of our out-of-town cast.

Then the director of photography we’d been hoping for had to back out due to his selfishly accepting a job in New Orleans on a big budget movie.

Then one actress was on board, wanted too much money, accepted a counter offer, then realized the dates we wanted to shoot conflicted with a prior engagement.

Then, we realized our miscommunication with Sandy and Bob. Where once we thought we had all of August, by July 3^rd, we discovered we only had until August 10. See, there are all sorts of things one has to do to get a bowling alley ready for league play. They need a lot of time to accomplish those things. Playing host to a huge team of delusional filmmakers is not on that list of needed accomplishments. Suddenly, our production time—not to mention our pre-production time—had been cut by two weeks.

We booked flights, continued negotiations, abandoned negotiations and sought new cast members to replace the ones we didn’t have after all. Our key to the five villains was getting actresses cast who were not only recognizable but also had a reputation in the indie horror world. Since we’re morons, it took us a day or so to realize who our leads should be and quickly approached our good friends Lilith Stabs and (duh!) Robyn Griggs (who we had originally envisioned in a different role but worked perfectly in the one we pitched to her). What was better, with Amy, Brinke, Debbie, Robyn and Lilith, we had a mini-Severe Injuries reunion going on as well, so that was very cool.

And during all of this, we negotiated with the Screen Actors Guild.

Let me take some time to bitch and whine about SAG. First, when you contact them, the first thing you have to go through is listen to them lecture and degrade you for not using all SAG actors. SAG actors, don’t you know, are better trained, better disciplined and all around better humans, more moral and closer to divinity, than your normal, run of the mill, unwashed heathen non-union actor. The next thing you have to do is fill out paperwork. Which we did. And faxed said forms back to them.

Then refaxed them because our SAG rep never received them.

Then called back to confirm they received the refax. They did.

Two days later, a package larger than our mortgage financing appeared in the mail. Complete with a Book of Mormon-sized guide to SAG contracts.

Keep in mind, we wanted this SAG actor for one fucking day! And he’d already agreed to it and liked the role! His price was better than we’d anticipated. We knew him personally. He was a terrifically cool guy and we wanted him to play something he’d never done before. But his Union… they don’t like their members to work on piddly little projects like this. They’d much rather they not work than deign to shoot a single day on a no-budget production. Even when the no-budget production has a fucking budget.

Sorry, sorry. The frustration flashbacks keep coming.

Anyway, by the time we got all the paperwork filled out and finally received a return phone call from our alleged SAG rep, our actor had already booked another job. I checked; he wasn’t working with our former DP. It was something different.

At this point, I’m having panic attacks hitting me like a clock bonging the time and we haven’t even started shooting yet.

Fortunately, our flights were booked, the rest of the cast was set, our good friend and pseudo-sister-in-law Gwendolyn offered to do costumes for us, things were starting to run smoothly. Things got even better when our good French Canadian friends at Diggerfilms, Steve, Hugo and their DP Simon, offered to come down to shoot for us with their HD equipment. Suddenly, the light at the end of the tunnel was not an oncoming train! This movie might actually get made after all.

We sat down with FX master Eric Molinaris to discuss some of the more gruesome kills needed, as well as the cool-ass demon makeup, he was all about it, even though he was in the middle of shooting his own movie, Black Sunrise. Concurrently, Jeff Waltrowski came aboard as an AD, even though he was in pre-production on It Came from Yesterday, which will be shooting in December.

We still had a couple of parts to cast, so we held open auditions at the alley. Kittanning is about twenty miles outside of Pittsburgh. Our rationale for holding the auditions there was based on the idea that people who would schlep all the way out there for an audition would have no trouble doing so for the actual shoot.

Out of nearly 100 applicants, four showed up. Of course, we only needed to fill three roles and liked everyone we saw. One of the four, Gary, impressed Amy and Tara so much that they insisted I write a role for him. Suddenly, our fifteen person cast grew to seventeen (I needed someone for Gary’s character to talk to, so I imported Henrique Couto as well). We cast the other three in the necessary roles.

Then panicked when one had a family emergency.

Then panicked again when another felt that the movie’s sex and nudity would damage his career as a professional stand-in. It might prevent him from ever standing in again!

We approached another actress to fill the void. She couldn’t do it. Add to that another had to drop out even closer to the start date due to an even more dire family emergency and I was waking up every morning looking at Christopher Walken in my mirror.

I’d gotten used to taking shallow breaths and conversing with others with my head between my knees. All was good.

Amy solved the first two absences admirably. She approached our good friend Tabatha Carrick (who runs “Corpses by the Bunch” with her mother, Sharon Titus) and asked her to take the part of “Becki-with-an-I”. Tabatha, game as she was, insisted that she couldn’t act and that we’d fire her within seconds of learning this on set. (She came up anyway, making the five hour drive from Baltimore.)

The “duh” moment came when we realized that the perfect actress for the other dopy sorority girl, “Infinity”, was right under our noses. We just didn’t ask her because she was already slated to do make-up, hair, costuming and general assistance. But we figured, what’s one more thing on the plate and asked Tara if she’d be up to playing Infinity. She was. Just as terrified as Tabatha as it turns out, but game she was.

Our longtime partner was put into the role of Max, originally written for him, oddly enough, but slated for our SAG actor when we started reaching for the moon. Gwendolyn came on for Roxanne, again, doing double-duty. Our last male-ish associate, Jeff, was recruited for Brad.

Then came the last family emergency—two days before shooting. The person who seemed most excited about shooting was suddenly thrust into a family nightmare and had to pull out. Our sympathies and heart went to her, but we couldn’t do anything to help and we couldn’t push shooting back. My mind raced. I invented a few deities and said prayers to them. Suddenly, a name popped into my brain, someone I’d worked with on The Screening many moons ago. Coincidentally enough, the better half of our original DP. I didn’t know if I still had her number or email. Miraculously, I did. I called, left a message. Took a shot of the hard stuff. Wished I had remembered to commit suicide weeks ago like a rational person.

The phone rang. It was her: Stephanie Bertoni.

She accepted. Liked the script, pitched her salary requirements, suddenly, all was right with the world.

Two days later, we were shooting.

Happy Cloud News - Fangoria NJ and Netflix!

Two bits of juicy news for you:

Amy Lynn Best and Mike Watt will be appearing at the Fangoria Weekend of Horrors in Secaucus, New Jersey this very weekend - July 20-22. Come by, say hi and check out Splatter Movie: The Director's Cut screening Sunday Only! For more information, click HERE

In awesome other news, A Feast of Flesh, the vampire epic starring Amy Lynn Best, Stacy Bartlebaugh-Gmys and Aaron Bernard is finally available through Netflix! Distributed by the good and hearty people at Bloody Earth Films, you can now check this wonderous piece of dark cinema out for yourself. Click HERE for more info!

Attack of the atheists!

"Why don't we trust readers? Why don't we trust filmgoers? Oh, it causes me to shake my head with sorrow that such nitwits could be loose in the world." – Philip Pullman, author of the His Dark Materials trilogy.

So the Catholic League is at it again. They’re calling for a sight-unseen boycott of The Golden Compass, which opens this weekend, but not because they object to the movie itself.

Some history: The Golden Compass, which is the U.S. title of a book called Northern Lights, the first in a trilogy uniformly called His Dark Materials, but also referred to by the author as “The Golden Compasses”, referring to the drawing devices and not the mis-identified navigational object used on the cover. Got all that? Granted, The Golden Compass is a better title than either Northern Lights or His Dark Materials (taken from a line in Milton’s Paradise Lost), but it’s actually inaccurate. But never let a little thing like accuracy halt the wheels of capitalism.

Now then, the trilogy, a fantasy about another fantastical world, has as one of its themes the idea that organized religion can easily go astray when the higher-ups get drunk on their own power and that the religion’s followers should question the decisions of its leaders. Pullman, who is himself, if not a full-blown atheist, then a pretty strident agnostic, who doesn’t seem to trust organized religion in any form. Nevertheless, this is a theme in the book and actually isn’t what the book is about. The villains are a religious splinter group called, at least in the film, “The Magisterium”.

Further: the movie has toned down this theme. “The Magisterium” on film, headed by Nicole Kidman’s character, are some sort of ruling evil political party out to destroy a little blonde girl and her friends. The decision to tone down the anti-religious aspects of the books was made very, very early on in the development process because it was believed that it might hurt the film’s chances with an American audience. This decision, made with the agreement of the author keep in mind, was then attacked by some of the book’s more rabid fans, multiple anti-censorship groups and the British-based National Secular Society—of which Pullman is an honorary associate. Okay, so they jettison the “Church can be bad for you” aspects of the book in order to get the “money is good for us” side of things locked in. I can understand this and even applaud the bold-faced admittance: “We’re going to tone down things that might piss some people off to make sure they come and bring their kids.” And, finally, since this was an undercurrent, a theme, and not what the book is actually about, I don’t see much problem with it. Everyone gets annoyed by something. Trying to please everyone is impossible because, let’s face it, everyone is an asshole in his or her own way. And it’s their right to be so as human beings.

(Keep in mind, I’m getting a lot of these facts from the ever-reliable Wikipedia, so my details might not be to the letter here, but I’m at work and that’s all I have access to at the moment. I don’t think I’m too off-base here, though.)

To recap: the book says people should question The Church—be it Roman Catholic, Church of England, Scientology, etc.. But since Roman Catholics believe themselves to be the center of the universe, they’ve already decided to that it’s a personal attack on them. Fine. Just remember that self-crucifixion is impossible because you can never get that last nail in. Fortunately, there are plenty of other irascible Catholics with hammers and nails at the ready to help you out.

To recap further: the movie has downplayed this aspect. They want your money. They don’t care if you like to give it to the Church or any church, just give some to the producers too.

To recap even further: people are already pissed off that this stuff is gone or watered down or “censored” or whatever. So the people on Pullman’s side are mad at him.

And now the Catholic League, and its head, William A. Donohue (good to his mother, likes cheese and lapdances but feels guilty about both), have called for a boycott of the film of The Golden Compass (misnamed and direct-marketed but looking slick and fancy) because…

Truly, this is my favorite part.

Honest. I love this. Fucking love this.

… because (wait for it)—even though the movie has jettisoned any “the Church is bad” (true or implied or other) themes and has placed the accent on Daniel Craig’s glare and the killer polar bears in their gladiator gear—even though none of that anti-religion stuff is there, we must boycott the movie because:

Ahem: “[T]he film will still encourage children to read the series, which League president William A. Donohue claims ‘denigrates Christianity’ and promotes ‘atheism for kids’.” Read the Wikipedia Article here.

Don’t go see the movie because your kids might want to read the books. And we all know books are harmful. They contain ideas. Beside that, they promote papercuts and eyestrain.

GOD FORBID (pun intended) that your kids might actually want to think for themselves! How would we sell them X-Boxes if they thought for themselves? Quick—offer free iPhones to anyone who doesn’t go to see the movie citing religious reasons (rather than, say, having anything better to do). Let’s not even ask the question about a faith so fragile, a religion so precariously-balanced, that a single movie or book can bring the entire thing crashing down!

Now what is genuinely entertaining me about all of this is: I had no desire to see The Golden Compass until I read about all the malarkey. I had no desire to read the books. I had no interest in CGI polar bears or non-CGI Daniel Craigs. But now damned if it isn’t at the top of my list of Things To Do.

And it ain’t just me, sportsfans. The internet is all abuzz and agog about The Golden Compass because of the “controversy”. So much so I’m actually wondering if the producers didn’t hire the Catholic League to start squawking just to get the extra publicity. Boycotts make ordinary things taboo. And people love taboo! They love to be outraged! Pious celibates will sit through burlesque shows for hours just to be offended! There are people out there who sit in front of their television sets and count the profanities all in the name of warning others! (“Censors are people who know more than they think you should.”—Ambrose Bierce)

So instead of hurting advanced word for The Golden Compass, the Catholic League has more or less ensured its success. And kids across the world will be reading the books looking for their substitute Harry Potter fix (also the subject of occasional controversy because it encourages kids to… I don’t know, study witchcraft or fight trolls or something).

Because there is one truth that I have learned. It goes for humans, yes, but Americans in particular: Americans love to be told what to think; they hate to be told what to do. Boycotts always cause these two clauses to slam into each other. And the choice of the majority is, generally, to rebel against the latter. I.e.: ‘We were told that this is evil! We hate it! We must go because they told us not to!’ God, I love boycotts! (If only someone would boycott my personal success, instead of instilling the indifference that is currently felt towards it.)

Who said that “Any man on his own is a rational individual, but upon joining a group he becomes a blockhead.” I think it was Mark Twain. Or, possibly, that Leviticus guy.

So who’s with me for The Golden Compass this week? We can tailgate. You bring the beer. The studio can bring the polar bears and the jailbait heroines. The Catholics can bring their outrage. I’ll bring the hibachi and the flammable Bibles.

* * *

Apropos of nothing, I was just reorganizing my Netflix list for the zillionth time. I have over 340 movies in queue right now, with a good mix of good, bad, classic and bound-to-be-terrible. Suddenly one of the sites recommendations popped up. It wasn’t something I was interested in (the 2^nd season of Charles in Charge? That’s for me why?) to I clicked “Not Interested”. A second window popped up with “Why the hell not? You’re being choosy now??”

… I made that last part up.